It is with great pleasure to share this incredible conversation with Nkem Ndefo about trauma and resilience. We examine how our bodies uniquely adapt to our surroundings. Every person has their own internal system of regulation, or how our bodies filter and respond to our environment. Sometimes we can tolerate stressful conditions, and other times it can take us over the edge into overwhelm.
Nkem explains that there is good stress, like preparing for a new job, or getting married. However, there is also toxic stress, and distressing situations - this is the type of stress that if it goes unchecked, can lead to overwhelm and potentially trauma.
Trauma changes the structure and function of the brain as well as how the nervous system operates. We lament how many new age healing programs tell people to relive their trauma. However, this can subsequently embed the trauma further into the neural network of the brain which can cause more harm to the individual.
Nkem clarifies that there isn’t really a way you can just remove trauma through catharsis. Rather, it requires repatterning the way in which you relate to the trauma. This means that there is an internal shift in how someone holds the trauma within their body and mind. And in order to repattern trauma, one must feel ready and willing to revisit the traumatic event in a safe environment, slowly and gingerly. This helps the individual to garner nervous system stabilization - or in simple words, not freak out and emotionally spiral.
When Nkem refers to the Stabilization Phase of Trauma Healing, this is precisely the mission of the Resilience Toolkit, where participants learn how to settle and calm their own nervous system.
I ask Nkem what exactly does resilience mean?
She explains that resilience does not mean growing your ability to withstand people or systems that create oppression, rather it means having the skills and strategy to be both flexible and strong and also know how to create stability within yourself.
In other words, being resilient it is not learning how to tolerate more bullshit.
It is also worth noting that safety is both an external and an internal condition. Nkem helps people to discover what safety feels like within an individual’s body so that they can gauge how an external environment can either promote or interfere with their ability to feel safe.
We also talk about her many years as a nurse midwife both within the hospital system as well as her private practice, her thoughts around birth plans, doulas being a bandaid for a much larger systemic and oppressive issue, and so much more.
Nkem Ndefo, MSN, CNM, RN (she/they) is the founder of Lumos Transforms and creator of The Resilience Toolkit. She is a skilled practitioner, dynamic speaker, and valued strategist. She is known for her unique ability to connect with people of all types by holding powerful healing spaces, weaving complex concepts into accessible narratives, and creating synergistic and collaborative learning communities that nourish people’s innate capacity for healing, wellness, and connection.
Lumos Transforms has a wide variety of group and individual offerings where you can learn and practice the resilience toolkit.
They also host a free workshop called the Roadmap to Trauma Healing which explains the importance and impact of utilizing the resilience toolkit.
You can follow Nkem @lumos_transforms and @nkemndefo.
As always thank you for being here and for supporting the MOTHERLANDS Podcast. Please like, review and share with anyone you think would enjoy this conversation.
2:47 Defining trauma and how it is different from stress
5:42 Reliving trauma versus revisiting trauma
9:12 Finding safety and the stabilization phase of trauma healing
11:46 Building an active resilience toolkit that works for YOU
15:33 Acknowledging the limits of any practice - it’s not one size fits all
17:17 Hubris and capitalism’s effect on healing and trauma
19:04 How do we have informed consent and trust within the power dynamic of the obstetrical system?
22:03 Finding someone you trust rather than relying on an extensive birth plan
23:25 Doulas can advocate and support, they can not save
25:36 Addressing root causes for birth issues inside and outside the hospital
29:00 Working with birthing people who have had traumatic birth experiences
31:33 The roadmap to trauma healing
32:28 Trauma bonding: how we gravitate towards what we resonate with
33:26 Our trauma and polarity influence our life and career choices
35:02 Wanting control is a prime trauma response
36:05 How can we value pleasure and joy through resilience?
38:42 Finding Nkem’s work: Lumos Transforms
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