An Honest Guide for Future Mothers

The Things That *Truly Matter* in Early Parenthood.

For most of my clients, it is customary to allow friends and family to organize a baby shower in order to celebrate the arrival of your new baby. But what if I told you there is a more helpful way to support your family in the long run?

The expense of starting of family is unfathomable which is why I put together this guide. In lieu of your aunt gifting you a $500 baby carrier or your friends giving you expensive baby clothes that your baby might wear once, I urge you to invest in building a safety net that supports you through all of the inevitable twists and turns of parenthood.

Planting these seeds early on will allow you more time to adjust to the momentous transition of becoming a new mother.

So let’s jump right in, shall we?

Photograph by Matt Bockal

Couples Therapy / Individual Therapy

If there is one thing I would prioritize from this list it would be couples therapy. After witnessing 200+ families give birth, what I have come to realize is that no couple is invincible or exempt from the harsh terrain of early parenthood. Undoubtedly there will be trials. Beginning therapy with your partner before you have your baby will help you develop tools to support healthy communication which ultimately garners deeper connection that can withstand the intensity of this life transition. I would recommend asking friends or family who you love if they have a referral for a couples therapist that specializes in pregnancy and early parenthood.

Pelvic Floor Health

A highly skilled pelvic floor specialist can help you get in touch with an area of your body that is mostly overlooked until you become pregnant or have a child. It is never too soon to see a pelvic floor therapist to help you become aware of the intricacies of your pelvic floor. From bowel issues, incontinence, difficulties related to sexual intimacy, pelvic wellness touches so many aspects of our day to day lives. It deserves to be a priority so that we can feel more at home in our bodies.

This is particularly important for people who participate in activities such as:

• Dance (ballet especially)

• Pilates

• Horseback riding

• Extreme endurance exercise like marathon running

• Have a current or previous tailbone injury

• Are a survivor of sexual abuse * (I would recommend doing this pelvic floor work in tandem with a therapist that specializes in supporting female health/sexual trauma)

Daycare/Childcare

The average cost of daycare in the United States varies tremendously depending on the area. In Southern California the cost is anywhere from $2000-$10,000 a month per child. Tell your family that you would like to start a childcare fund as soon as possible. Some daycares have a one year waitlist. For this reason, you can never start too early, and you will be glad you started this fund long before you actually need it.

You can also look in to nanny sharing with another family. Going for a walk around your neighborhood and talking to other parents, attending a mommy and me group at a yoga studio or visiting the local library can be lovely entry points for finding and connecting with other new parents.

Nervous System Regulation

As with all stressful life transitions, it is important to learn ways to support and regulate your own nervous system. It is difficult to care for others much less an infant when we do not know how to talk ourselves down from a ledge, switch the channel in our monkey minds, or simply calm d o w n. A practice of nervous system regulation could look like:

• A walk at sunrise

• A yoga class

• EMDR or other therapy

• A meditation class

• A breathwork class

• A movement class

• Calling your best friend to vent

• Or a simple moment alone in silence to reset

It doesn’t need to be complicated or deep. Mothering does tend to stretch even the most equipped women to their limits. I find that some of the best mothers I know not only know how to regulate their nervous system but also detect when the feeling of overwhelm begins to arise and subsequently advocate for their needs.

Nourishment

Having a newborn requires setting up systems to help you feel nourished. I am willing to bet that you will not be in the mood to cook and neither will your partner. Here are some easy ways to make sure you are nourished during the very busy weeks of early parenthood:

• Meal prep 3-4 weeks prior to your estimated due date and put it in the freezer

• Set up a meal train

• Postpartum meal delivery services are becoming popular. These services can be expensive but may comprehensively support a healing mama

Doula + Postpartum Care

It is well documented that having a doula present during childbirth is protective for both maternal and child outcomes. They can give you a bird’s eye view perspective; they do not work for your doctor or midwife and should have your best interest in mind.

Here are just some general thoughts when considering working with a doula:

1. Please do not hire a doula that is directly employed by a doctor or hospital. This is not a doula. This is someone that has been hired by the medical system and therefore prioritizes and upholds it over your own wishes.

2. There are doulas that market themselves as a “homebirth doula” or a “birthkeeper”. This is not a doula. This is a birth support person that has a personal preference on how women should give birth. This type of birth support can be helpful to some clients who choose to birth outside of the hospital. However, if the client needs to transfer to the hospital for any medical reason, they may lack the essential skills and education to properly support the client within a hospital setting.

3. The average cost of a doula varies drastically depending on location. In Southern California, expectant families are looking to spend anywhere from $2,000 - $10,000 for doula services. Spending more money does not always equate to better support.

4. There are a number of ways to pay for doula care:

   • Ask for a doula as a group baby shower gift

   • Use your Heath Savings Account

   • Health insurance companies provide partial reimbursement for doula services; Call your insurance company to find out if it is an option for you

5. There is no standard for doulas and there is no governing body that oversees how doulas practice. It is very important to use your best judgement when choosing a doula.

Housekeeping

Having a housekeeper or cleaning service come once or twice during the second or third week post birth is a miraculous gift. At that point you will have had a couple weeks to get a handle on with feeding and healing. This makes for a great group gift on your baby registry.

A Living Will

This is a tough one so bear with me. If anything were to happen to you (god forbid) you need to think about who would look after your child. This is your emergency contact (other than your partner). Write it down. It will save your family the burden and stress of coming up with a plan on their own.

Ask for Help

This might seem silly but I have asked many mothers what they wish they knew before having a child. Almost all of them tell me that they had to learn how to ask for what they need.

This is twofold: Learn how to ask for help AND learn to accept help when it is offered.

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